~thinking outloud~

Why do I loose my cool so easily? It's seems to trigger when my house is a mess, and kids need to go to bed or early in the morning, telling them million and one times to brash their teeth or get dress and clock is ticking and they are going to be late for school and my temper gets the best of me.

I'm laying down in bed with Brooklyn, she is sad (she always is when I raise my voice at her)
I am tickling her back and trying to let her know, somehow, that I do love her. For I do!
My mind drifts to the time that is long pass, but scars are still there.

Perhaps it was alcohol talking: "You can either lay down on the bed and get your whips or you can resist and end up with marks were ever the belt's buckle end up hitting you" I remember going to school with bruises and skin all swollen all over my body or sometimes when I did submit to laying down, my bottom were so sore, that I couldn't sit. Those are such an ugly, painful memories. And though, I am grown up adult now, when spoken, I cry.

I could NEVER inflict that kind of pain, that kind of scaring, that kind of abused on my children and yet, I loose my cool. Does the harsh voice leave the scars? Does it alters you as a person and does it breaks them as children, to the degree that they are children no more? Am I scarring just as much as I've been scared, just using different kind of "belt"?

Do I really believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?

I kiss her tender, my heart is heavy and I go to the only source I know can heal...can help me see the way of love is more powerful....how do I get there?