Guilt free cheese cake

You can take dessert out of a girl, but you can't take a girl out of a dessert ;)
Today is my day #6 of 100 day challenge of no sugar, flour, soda or processed foods. The first 3 days were hard....but this little number has helped me through, so I thought I would share, it's only fare, right?
You would need:
Milled Flaxseed, Agave Syrup, Blue Berries, Greek fat free yogurt

Now, the picture doesn't do justice to how delicious this really is.
IT DOES taste just like cheesecake.
Here is a little info if you are interested on how good flax seeds are for you. I add it to pancakes, salads, protein shakes and use it as a base for yummy healthy desserts. ;) It tasteless, but benefits are awesome!

Enjoy!

Kairos time begginings

"Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still." This quote came from this post I read the other day. It got me thinking of my Kairos time with kids and family. I have those moments, I believe we all do. So I decided to start my own posts of Kairos time, for they are worth recording.


Kairos time:

I was seating at church today with Drew next to me. He is such a sweet, and tender boy. His body was leaning against mine, resting his head on my chest. My arm embracing him over his back. Ryder came by, stared at us for a minute or so and then rested his little body against mine as well. I looked down at two little heads, stroking their hair, feeling so grateful for having those boys in my life.The time stood still.

Happy 18th Birthday Hailey!

Summer 1997.

Your Dad calls me on the phone: "Hey, she is here. Do you want to meet her?" I get to his house and standing next to the window, in your red and white checker outfit, I see big blue eyes, plump lips and oh, so round cheeks! I'm in love at first sight! Little do I know at that moment that you will become such a huge part of my life.

October 1998.

"Troy, if you are not willing to commit, then I will have to move on" Strange, but it's not the break up with your Dad that is so hard. Its loosing you in the process that is breaking my heart.

April 1999.

"Dad, will you pick me up like a prince does!" It's our wedding day and your face is glowing when your dad grants your wish. Our wedding is a fairytale in your eyes, and I love you in that moment so much!

May 2001.

New beginning. You've become a big sister. And although it takes you 5 min to figure out how it all works out, once you get it you are the best big sister Rylee can ask for.

July 2003.
I love that you were able to be with us at the time when Drew was born. I still see the look on your face as you witnessed that little miracle that just took place. I always felt that experience have created a bond between you and him.

November 2007.
Driving to Disneyland. You are on the back seat between two little ones. Brooklyn starts throwing up ALL OVER YOU and gets panic. I am amazed how calm and collected you are at your young age. Comforting and reassuring her that she is ok. You are not concern about anything but the well being of your little sister. My heart is full of gratitude for you.

Summer 2009.

Being raised of different faith, you are putting your trust in our hands and go to Young Women's Camp. Four days later I drive to the canyon for the testimony meeting. I am so nervous. "Will she totally hate me?" And then I see you in a distance with other girls. Dirty face, messy hair, BIG smile on your face. "She is a trooper", I say.

Summer 2010.

London, England! You walk through the door with tears on your face and I KNOW in that moment that you are mine and we are yours! OUR FAMILY ONLY COMPLETE WHEN YOU ARE WITH US!

Dear Hailey, I am so grateful that you have come into my life. You have been such a fun and easy girl to love. I feel so blessed for the relationship that you and I have. It's funny, for I often have to remind myself that I am your "mother figure" and not your girlfriend. ;) But I LOVE having you as a girlfriend! ;)

Thank you for being fun, loving, easy going, never complaining, good hearted, level headed, determent, strong young women !

Happy Birthday beautiful girl!

Love you to bits and pieces!

Mom Anya

~Thinking Outloud~

What a difference an year can make!
It's been 19 months sense we left America....this time last year, I was emotionally and mentally in a really, really bad place. Yes, I was kicked out of the country that I've grown to love and call my home. I was continue to be in a limbo stage (story of my life for the past 20 yrs), but in England. All of our securities, comforts and familiarities were taking away. We were in deed " striped" of everything that connects us to our life back home. I think... no, I know that I have been carrying a lot of gilt about bringing my children and Troy to such a stormy life. The truth of it though, there is nothing I could have done differently. So I know that I should not feel bad for my family. They are an amazing people and I am so blessed to have such an awesome kids and nothing short, but God's Gift to me, of a husband!
So I was walking kids to school today and saw SO MANY leafs on the ground. It was beautiful! I thought:" gush, I don't remember this path to school being so beautiful. I know I walked the same way everyday, and last year this path was....well, I don't remember what it was like."
Then there is trees....England is so green and naturally you would think that fall would be gorgeous here. I didn't see it last fall. I don't remember last fall, except that it rained and it was cold. And it is cold this fall and it indeed raining, a lot. But it is beautiful. The colors on the trees are there. Why didn't I see it?
My house. Well, it is the same as last year. Same miss matched, hand-me-down furniture. There is nothing inside the house that says, please, come in, make yourself comfy. But I no longer feel the need to explain or apologize to people why my house is this way. I am ok with it. Now, If I had a chance to make it in a way that my heart and soul knows how, I would, but I can't and I am so ok with that.
I am also ok with the fact that our fridge and cupboards are full for only one week in a month. Noodles and butter or noodles and garlic salt has become often our every day regular. As a matter of fact it is joke in our house. That's right, we have found humor in it. Finding humor in hardships was novelty to me before. We had plenty of hardships, but no laughter about it. This days, I can often laugh through it all. ( may be I've got mad ;) What even more awesome is Rylee seeing, that happiness has to do very little with comforts or even necessities.
I am ok with shopping at charity shops and I do not feel like I am any lesser of a person, because I or my children are wearing second hand clothing. As a matter of fact I have found " fun" in it. It's amazing what people get rid off.
I also OK that my hair is no longer blond...now, I have tried to go dark many times, and I never liked it. I do now. I am ok with ME.
I'm still very much isolated from everything and everyone, and am alone. But I no longer feel lonely.
I used to have this add relationship with food. Let me explain....oh, boy, here it goes.
I had to have food in my home, always! We spent A LOT on it.
I would spent my last $100 on food instead of paying electric bill. :/
If I bought something just for me or if it is on my plate, NO one , not even my children would dare to eat it. Interesting thing happen 2 years ago. You see, you may know this or you may not, but Russia (where I was born) was not recognizing me as it's citizen and nether did America (where I wanted to be a citizen) I was, what immigration calls ''stateless" I don't think there is anything like it, to experience not belonging to anywhere, and I'm sure it did a number on me, inside my head. But the day I have finally got my Russian passport (though it was a country I didn't want to go to) something subconsciously wonderful happen. I didn't care about other people eating my food! I know this sounds funny and may be not a big deal to some. But to me it was a first sign for healing.
Then being in England and experience luck of food, clothes, toys for kids, etc. I have learned to be ok with " empty" I no longer freak out because I have no clue how I am going to feed my family for the next 10 days with only $8 in my banking account. I don't feel like I am a bad mother because of it. And also, I don't feel, nor did I EVER felt, that Troy is not a good enough provider. I have one amazing man, who loves me and his kids, unconditionally. He gets up every day and despite the feelings of what his " saga" of life is, he goes and slaves dragons for us. I said this before and I will say this again, I truly feel that Troy is God's gift to me. I am for ever grateful that I have him in my life.
Last month I had an appointment with American Embassy, here in London. I was told that my visa to U.S. was dined. We knew it would be, we had to go through this step first to get us to our 2nd step.
And though, it was a negative news, somehow, I came home with a feeling of healing. I am that much closer of getting home.
Now, we have a HUGE mountain in front of us and we don't know what is going to be on the other side. There might be more mountains or there might be a beautiful field named " you can come home now"
but one thing has for sure become reality to me, that is this:
For a very long time now, I have been pondering on life of a few prophets, Job and Paul. For me, this is what I have learned:
1. The test of life is not necessary on what I am learning from it, but can I remain faithful to the Lord during my trials.
2. Though my " saga" is not over I believe ,that up to this day, I have learned, as Paul has said, to be content with empty or full.
Content doesn't mean giving up on better. Content to me means, knowing there is better, but be happy with what you have. I strife for better, I would choose better if I could, but less doesn't define me. Less doesn't in-prison's me, as it used to. It has no power, unless I give. I learn to listen to my inner voice and choose to find happy instead of feeling sorry.
3.I have learn to trust that my Father knows me and answers me through His servants, the prophets.
4. On the silly sight of it all....If the pattern of my freedom from dependence on food continues...then based on it's history maybe, once I get my US Citizenship, Troy will get his skinny wife back. ;) He, he!

P.S. I'm sure some therapist would have a hay day with me ;) But no matter, the Lord has His way of sorting things out.

Hugs, and Kisses.

~thinking outloud~

Why do I loose my cool so easily? It's seems to trigger when my house is a mess, and kids need to go to bed or early in the morning, telling them million and one times to brash their teeth or get dress and clock is ticking and they are going to be late for school and my temper gets the best of me.

I'm laying down in bed with Brooklyn, she is sad (she always is when I raise my voice at her)
I am tickling her back and trying to let her know, somehow, that I do love her. For I do!
My mind drifts to the time that is long pass, but scars are still there.

Perhaps it was alcohol talking: "You can either lay down on the bed and get your whips or you can resist and end up with marks were ever the belt's buckle end up hitting you" I remember going to school with bruises and skin all swollen all over my body or sometimes when I did submit to laying down, my bottom were so sore, that I couldn't sit. Those are such an ugly, painful memories. And though, I am grown up adult now, when spoken, I cry.

I could NEVER inflict that kind of pain, that kind of scaring, that kind of abused on my children and yet, I loose my cool. Does the harsh voice leave the scars? Does it alters you as a person and does it breaks them as children, to the degree that they are children no more? Am I scarring just as much as I've been scared, just using different kind of "belt"?

Do I really believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?

I kiss her tender, my heart is heavy and I go to the only source I know can heal...can help me see the way of love is more powerful....how do I get there?

Brooklyn is 6

Oh were do I begin to write what I feel in my heart for this little girl of ours?
When I got pregnant with her, it felt like it was not the best time to have another baby. We had bills that come with being a grown up, but we had no job, no insurance, Troy decided to go back to school, and we were trying to make our ends meat on student loans.
She was to be our baby #3 and needless to say I was a bit mortified. I have only two hands and two laps. I'm sure I was not the only mother in the world who felt that way. ;)
During that time I needed to go and get my Temple recommend renew. Our stake president was truly an inspiring man and being in tune with the spirit he was able to tune in with my anxiety.
My visit with him that night was one of the nights that I treasure in my heart till this day. After visiting with him, my anxiety was replaced by pure joy, excitement and anticipation for this little child to come into our life. She is six today, and so far everything I've learned of that little child on that night in Stake Presidents office, has been realized.
Brooklyn! Oh, how do we love you! Your contagious laughter. Your big smile, and sparkly eyes. Your desire to chose what is right. Your crazy imagination. I can go on on this one. You take life as it comes at you, always finding a way for it to be fun. You are such a joyous little girl. I pray and hope that you forever remain that way.
Brooklyn turning 6 is bitter sweet for me. Of course I want her to grow up, but I have found myself mentally pulling her back to remain in that 5 year old stage.
We are excited to see what this next year will bring. If I would guess, it will be smiles, laughter, kisses, more laughter. Stories about all the boys in her class with sparkly eyes. And more laughter. I told Troy that I feel every family should have a child like Brooklyn, she truly is a sunshine to us. We are never bored in her company. Happy Birthday to the happiest girl I know!


Apparently cake is not that big of a deal over here. I was shocked to find out how many kids didn't want a cake. Strange.
Just look at this ladies!
Jamie showing off his moves. This little boy always looks after Brooklyn at school and lets me know if there is anything that happen that I should know about. He also asks his mom to wait for me after school, to make sure I come and get her. So sweet.
Boys are crazy about football (succor) over here. It's unfortunate that we were unable to put Drew on succor team due to the commitment to the Sunday games.

Rylee and her friend Tia volunteered to do face paintings. I have to say, girls did great job. Kids loved it.
And this is what happens when two toddlers find themselves alone with paint.
Oh, I love it!

Love is Spoken here

I and other Moms sang "Love is Spoken Here" at church today, and our 7 yr old tender hearted son Andrew got a little choked up. With tears in his eyes Troy heard him whisper to his older sister "Does this song ever make you cry?" To which she proudly replied "Uhhh, NO" Then he wiped his eyes and said "ya, me either."

Thinking out loud

Ever sense we've been forced to leave America, we have been hearing from most people is how "lucky" we are to be in England.
Most people probably don't get why we are "sad", though we have learned to look for happy.
We do feel blessed not lucky, in a way that is different from just "lucky bcs we get to be here" We feel blessed, bcs our family is together at this time, and hopefully forever will be. We feel blessed bcs I can kiss my babies at night and snuggle to my husband. We feel blessed bcs Troy has a job to support us. And we all are healthy and are in a country that is civilized.
All of the above was not a reality to us just a few months ago and thus we are blessed to have it in our life.
I've been having thought for a while now, and feel it is time to post it. The thought is this:

" No matter how good the Paradise is, if forced, it is undesirable"

Perhaps that is why God will force no man to Heaven (hymn)
Based on my experience, you won't like it and will almost resent it. (strange, but I believe it's true)
Just as one would plan, save, and dream of coming to England, once arriving there would love every moment of it. So it is with Heaven, one must believe, practice, and endure to inherit The Kingdom of God. Once intering into it, one will feel worthy and happy to be there. For one was faithful and with the grace of God, is able to be in such a place.
Though it is a blessing to us to be in England, we are by no means lucky in any way. We are here NOT at our own free will, and thus it is a daily finding with us to see our life here as being "lucky"
~~~Just thinking

England is an amazing place, but if it was our choice, we would be on the first flight home!
Choice, is something that was taking away from us. But we are learning to choose how we feel about it. One day at the time.

Rylee is 10

That's right folks, she is in double digits! Rylee has turned 10, which means that more then half of her childhood life is over ;( The time is speadally flying by! This year has been a growing up season for our little girl. She moved across the world, leaving all of her comforts and friends behind. I know, first hand, how hard that is. (I left russia at 18) I have to give this girl hands up, for she has adapted and handled with the changes brilliantly. School was frighting at first, but she made friends and become "popular" girl very fast. ( not that being popular is the key to happiness) They have even voted her to be on school counsel. Which she LOVES being a part of! This girl loves structure, organization, being part of decision making. So, this is so up her alley! England coulture is also very much part of who she is. She is the only one in our household who has perfect table manners (most kids here do. I guess, it's part of being proper) She loves being proper, dress proper, act proper. Honestly, girl should of been born here.
Rylee is a fantastic big sister. From tutoring her little sister with reading and learning words, to entertaining Ryder, and of course dealing with, sometimes, anointing brother (which I don't think is annoying at all. He just wants to play with her and her girlfriends, when they come over) But anyone who had a brother would know how she feels).
We love her so very, very much and are so grateful that she gets to be part of our life. We hope that the upcoming year will bring much joy to her, as we watch her blossom more and more each day! We love you sweetheart! Happy Birthday!

Thoughts

So the other day I was visiting (over the phone) with one of the sisters in our word. Her and her husband are going to the Temple the next day AND they are bringing their small children with them, making it a family outing. They take turns in attending sessions, while other is on the Temple grounds with the children. I have offered her to watch her children, so that she can attend session with her husband. She said, "well, who watches your kids when you go?" Well, back in Ut we either have baby sitter or we go at different time/day. And that's what we do here, go at different time/day. "So, you don't bring children to the Temple at all, when you go?" "No", I said. "Don't you think it would be good for your children to know that Temple is important and they are growing knowing it first hand, by coming to the Temple grounds weekly, as mom and dad attending it?" I was left speechless.
We went on talking more about that and other stuff, and by the end of conversation she excused herself, saying that she's got to go so her and her husband will have time reading scriptures in preparation of the Temple attendance.
I love our word saints in here, they are such an examples to me.

Free will?

It's been almost a year sense we've been in England. We have never went to see a Doctor here (aside from the hospital trip Troy had to take with kidney stones)
In order to be seen by their Dr. you have to meat certain qualifications, like leaving in the same county as a doctor's office. Working (thou, it's appear to be free health care, you are indeed paying for it with your tax money. If you are making over 35K you are taxed 40%) No, the medicine isn't free here, thou it's appear to be, when you don't pay for it upfront, nor do you get medical bill in the mail.
So we had to been seen for a medical check up to be registered in the system. It's amazing to me how upfront they are with what they think you NEED to do about your health. It wasn't a matter of choice at all.
After getting all my medical done, I was told that:
1. I need to get on contraceptive. You have 4 kids. Make an appointment she said.
2. I need to get on medicine for my veins. She was in absolute shack that I was not prescribed anything for it, considering that I get blood clots. Make an appointment she said.
And 3rd......She said I am FAT ! Yap! Those are the words she used. Sweet! She went on telling me all about it and what I MUST do!
Well, for heaven's sake, may be I want to be fat! (I don't think I am fat, btw. But I know I can loose some weight) I was talking with my neighbor about that, who "needs" to loose 14 lbs and she confirmed with me, that her Doctor is very much after her case for this 14 lbs.
I guess, they figured if they are "paying" for your healthcare, they sure can tell you what to do.

Red nose day

English people are really big on raising money for charities. They get really creative with all kinds of ways. At the stores you will find people selling their art projects. Or if you spent over some amount they will give you token to put in the charity box of your choice. Then there are also people who are just standing with a bucket and asks for cash. On top of that they have gazillion charity shops (second hand stores) Each store displaying for what cause they are raising money, so you can choose where you want to shop. Schools have massive activities all the time. From baking cookies, to making crafts, to Olympics . In the end of each term, kids can wear regular clothing to school, but you have to bring a pound for it. Most of the time it is nice, but at times it can get annoying. (is that bad that I am saying it? ) They even have a holiday called "Red nose day" (check out the link) basically you get to dress up funny (most kids like to wear pjs to school) and then you wear this RED nose. In order to dress up silly you pay pound to school for charity. The theme in the country is "do something funny for money" Some people go crazy in their outfits, you feel like a Halloween party is on the streets.
One thing I learn though, is that when it comes to charities, English people seam to be very generous.

Converting into British girl

Here is me taking tea break ;)
I have always loved herbal teas and would look for new and exciting flavors all the time. When we moved to England I have learned very fast and with a great excitement that English sure love, love their tea. (now most of the tea they drink is not the tea I would drink) But still the same, my choices are huge! I have discover that "lemon and ginger" is one of my very favorites.

Aren't they cute

Each year, here at school, kids focus on theme learning. It has been Victorian for Rylee and Greeks for Drew. Then for Christmas party they get to dress up in a costume (they call it fancy dress. So never say you are a fancy dresser, they will think you dress in a costumes all day long) I bought Rylee a poor Victorian girl costume and then she told me she wanted to be a boy. So we ended up with two costumes. As you can tell they came handy ;) Aren't they cute!

St.Patrick's

For some very strange reason St.Patrick Day is not a big deal at all in here. Common we are in UK you guys should go nuts about it! Right? Wrong! I couldn't find ANYTHING St.Patric related in stores. How sad. (And yes, I am way, way behind on my blog updates ;) )
Anyway, we tried to do some green foods and wear green clothes after school.
Pea soup, whole wheat bread and food colored sprite.
BTW, I got this recipe for the soup from a fancy grocery story, called Waitross. They do spotlight on some awesome diners. Put together all the foods you would need to cook it right there but the recipe, so you don't even have to shop for it. Everything we have tried so far from their recommendations we love. You can get the recipe for this soup HERE.